Life Keeps Going

As fall fast approaches my heart feels the chill of the upcoming winter. The spring of last year's loss is weighing on my heart and I have yet to find a group that understands. I am not even sure I will find one. I need it to come bang on my door because looking requires energy. Energy I have to save for the daily things like breathing, eating, working, driving, etc.  I know it is hard to explain this to one who has not lost a child. If you have lost a sibling that is about as awful. My heart stings every time I see a family with children. Or a child graduate from college and the parents so happy. Or the news of an adult child getting ready for a new move or relationship. Don't get me wrong. I'm truly glad for these families. I just am deeply sad my daughter could not have experienced these things with her family. These are all things Angela missed out on. She was a superb cook. She could take an ordinary item from the kitchen and create a gourmet meal. She could buy gifts for others that were so sensitive and special you never ever forget them. She had a knack for making others feel special. Yet she did not feel special herself. Yet she was and is a phenomenal young lady. How life could be stolen from someone so amazing at such a young age is beyond me. How this hole in my heart can ever be full again is just not possible. Only she could fill that particular space. She had a way of encouraging me that really would floor me as she herself struggled with deep darkness and pain no one could see but possibly could imagine. You see Angela was chronically depressed. Most people who knew her at almost any level could see that. She was born 7 1/2 weeks premature in the spring of 1987 after a serious car accident. She came after I began to walk again.  Even then it seemed her life was being ripped away yet she survived. Her child hood was filled with creativity and wonder and she was a joy to raise. How was I to know? That this little girl would plunge into the depths of a place she could not return? I had warning signs and attempted so many times to help her, to try to help her yet she did not want the help I offered. I wish, that is in my heart and mind all the time, the "I Wish" that cannot be fulfilled. It is done. There is no acceptance from this or moving forward. There is living with it and living in it. I believe I can do that! I am doing that! The kind of pain you feel from this tragic kind of loss is something that changes you forever.