Thoughts welling up

Dear friends,

You all know I'm in a valley and there are many parts to the walk of grief. As I sit here feeling a bit wracked with pain by this special day...I cannot fathom how I came to this place. This is a journey I never thought I'd be on.  It is a first and first's of this kind are always hard. Well today is day 74. Not many days have passed, yet they seem to fly, all at the same time. It's so unfair feeling sometimes. We were never promised a fair life now were we? How can time pass when my world got shattered? Yet it goes by at lightening speed some days. 

I read and hear about all the tragedies going on around the world. Around this little life I have been given. I am shaken. God said He would shake everything that can be shaken. 

"I will shake all nations, and what is desired by all nations will come, and I will fill this house with glory,' says the LORD Almighty" Haggai 2:7 

That house is us, people. 

also... “At that time his voice shook the earth, but now he has promised, “Yet once more I will shake not only the earth but also the heavens.” This phrase, “Yet once more,” indicates THE REMOVAL OF THINGS THAT ARE SHAKEN—THAT IS, THINGS THAT HAVE BEEN MADE—IN ORDER THAT THE THINGS THAT CANNOT BE SHAKEN MAY REMAIN. Therefore let us be grateful for receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, and thus let us offer to God acceptable worship, with reverence and awe, for our God is a consuming fire.” (Hebrews 12:26-29)

 We are flawed. Beautifully flawed. Wonderful are Your works. I am wonderfully and fearfully made. I just can't comprehend it. Yet I want to. I am blessed. I am scarred. I am a wounded worshiper.  I will never cease to praise Him. God give me grace, give me grace. Because I am just a seed. Not yet a tree. Will you keep loving me? Keep growing me? These lines are from a song I like.  

I love to read about missions. As I read these blogs I think of the sacrifice these people are making from comfort, familiarity  away from friends and family.  I am awed and ask God to show me how to do my part. Here is one I love to read, well two:

http://www.sethbarnes.com/?filename=life-and-death&bookmark=true#comments

http://www.alifeoverseas.com/tombstones/

Ironically they are both about death. Seems to be the subject i think a lot of these days.

So many are suffering. 

A 29 year old girl losing her mother  and then father in a senseless act of murder in Philpsburg

A terrorism bombing after a marathon for a good cause in Boston

A shooting(s) on a college campus (many in fact)

A young man killing himself (A well known pastor's son)

Another young man killed himself (a friend of mine's friend's son just one day ago!)

A chemical plant in Texas exploding and flattening four blocks of land!

Some dear friends who have lost their children recently. New friends I have met online.

I saw an old friend last night as I ventured into the bright and scary world of Walmart. Thank God Paul was by my side. This man who I saw was so compassionate it almost knocked me over. I met his 13 year old too. A positive encounter was what I longed for but was not looking for. Public scenes are hard right now. 

Life is so fragile, beautiful, and pain filled. Embrace it. We only have today. We're not promised tomorrow. When this old friend saw me from afar at Walmart and Paul and I were standing there I saw this deep compassion and love well up in his eyes when he saw me. I cannot tell you how that spoke to me. 

 With all His love which is all I have

This grief walk.

I was thinking about all the losses recently I have been exposed to, brushed against. Been honored to be a part of some families who have lost their child or children. I am in awe at the  connection that occurs between two strangers who meet and have this commonality.

Today is my Angela's daughter's 26th birthday. Although she is not here to celebrate it. I have not felt all I will feel on this day. Last night at midnight though it hit me hard. I wept as I chatted with another mom who has lost her daughter. Some comfort was found in that sharing. A great amount actually. I cannot understand how this all happened or why. Yet I am thankful for meeting these ladies and under such agony and duress, it all is here in my life.

My life has changed drastically. It's like an earthquake inside my heart. Shaking the very foundations of everything within my soul. Will I stand? Will I come out on the other side? Is God going to carry me, walk beside me the whole way even to the portals of heaven? I do believe so. I believe with everything in me.

Yet let me grieve. Let me feel. Let me cocoon when I need to. It is all part of the grief process. Especially losing a child in the way of which we did. Many have been touched by this. Even people who do not know her. Who do not me except on the Face Book forum. People who I have become acquainted with through this. It is all part of a picture I do not understand. I have not reached a place of acceptance. Can I ever? I doubt it.

When you lose a child, the grief can be compared to the ocean. There's the waves, the tides, the soft waters. It all comes in emotional labor pains. Sometimes I'm caught in the rip tides. Sometimes I'm knocked over by a huge waves unaware it's coming. It's patient, grief will take you by the hand and walk with you as you're ready. Each and every step. People are the ones that have a hard time grasping this. Losing a child is different because you are losing a very 'part' of yourself. That hole can never be replaced or filled. God comforts but the ache is there. For me it is very very raw still. Today being her birthday I'm going to be. Yes, just be.

Happy Birthday my Doll Face Ang.

Dear Angela Sheepy,

I'm thinking of you day and night. I miss your beautiful face and voice and eyes and ways. I just miss your presence. I look for you everywhere and see you in the beauty of this world. I smell the candle that was burned at your memorial. I just cannot believe this is real? How can you be gone? I want to take you out for dinner and let you buy your favorite drinks. You never would accept water. I miss all your quirks! I want to see how excited you get over ordering your favorite foods. I want to sit with you and Sarah and laugh, talk, reminisce. How can I live life this way with you missing? I ask God every day for His help. To help me cope. Breathe. Face this life. I miss your beautiful Doll Face. The nick name you gave me and we called each other. I miss rocket hugs and seeing your newly done nails. I miss you saying feel my legs mom, I just shaved! Your sister is like this too. Although not as primpy as you liked to be. :) You loved to go get your hair done and get your feet and nails done up. There is no-one like you Angela. I will be day dreaming of you all day. But I do this every day. This is the day God blessed me with a beautiful baby named Angela Hope Smith. The day you came 7 weeks early and surprised us. I love you Ang!

With all my eternal love,
Mama Sheep

The Climb

Death makes people uncomfortable. When someone sees someone grieving the common response is to help. Unfortunately you cannot help a person who is grieving. The helplessness you feel is normal. There are no words that can remove the sting of pain when someone loses a child. There is only God. For those who do not believe in God I feel for you. I say that lovingly. Because if God does not exist then I wonder how I am surviving day to day? After losing my youngest daughter, Angela Hope Smith. She was 25, now 25 forever. I cannot comprehend living through this without God here with me. I would wither up. I would give up. I would not be able to be there for my other daughter Sarah Joy!

Living this life is a mystery. A complete glorious mystery we don't understand but through His eyes. I am yet to get to that place. Right now pain is my friend. I can't say pain is all bad. Because it is driving me to my knees and searching for hope. Hope is what I cannot see. If I had it why would I hope for it? What am I hoping for?

For healing
For restoration
For Sarah's future
For strength to guide another
For love to prevail over death


So many things I am hoping for. I can't find these things on my own. That is why I have hope.

New Living Translation (©2007) And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love. This is me.  God keep us climbing and keep us from falling.  New International Version (©2011) To him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy--

A birthday without my daughter

This Saturday is Ang's birthday. 

Long story but my Sarah is out of town with her boyfriend till Sunday. Previous plans she had (involving reservations and money spent all planned in December) that were supposed to include ANG.

She was afraid to tell me. She was hesitant to go. I just told her although it was very hard , she needs to do what is best for her. I want her to be okay. She does not hardly get any sleep. It's a 7 hour drive. She has this thing with driving and it is therapy to her. Not me! Thankfully she arrived safe and has been texting me. I was terrified to let her go but had to not let that all show. 

Anyway I am here with Sprocket her little dog. Thank God I have him. He is so comforting.

The last few days were excruciating. It seems the pain builds up in a cycle and then I burst. I feel like I'm in some nightmarish emotional labor. After the build up, the huge wailing and crying and talking to God and Ang , everything subsides and I feel strangely calm and subdued for a short time. Then it starts all over again. It is so exhausting. I feel like I'm in a time capsule and the day repeats itself over and over.

Stuck

Feeling so stuck. I am in this dark sad place. This worries people. If they know. So I'm saying that although I am stuck I will not always be stuck. How could I live forever stuck in this dark place? I am tired. I've just started sleeping a tiny bit better (day time) as night time I can't. It's so easy to give answers but try living in this nightmare. I am not angry at any person. I am hurting. I am wordless when it comes to talking to people. The words after "how are you" just don't come. 

It's like someone cut out my tongue. How can I speak when something so unspeakable has happened to my family? When you're so blindsided you cannot find words for the state of mind and heart you are in? I take it day by day. But yes I think about the future. I think about how Sarah feels every single day. The emptiness of not having her sister to call, spend time with, share her life with. 

I think about every last time I saw Angela. It seems every time I saw her in the last two years was the last time. I was always burdened. I was always concerned. I don't know how to go on. At least right now my world came to a screeching halt. It's easy to share all the ways I can go on and count the blessings. Do you honestly think I forgot my blessings? But the pain is screaming in the middle of my chest and it's been 72 days. 72 days since I lost my baby girl. The girl who could always tell me everything's going to be alright except to herself.

Honor

I was given a phone number awhile ago, the first week or so after losing my Angela and I tucked it into my notebook. I just could not make calls easily. I still can't. I force myself to some times. 

This dear person asked to meet me over a month ago after I got the courage to call her. I am so glad I did. Yet I wish the circumstances had never happened for the reason through which we met. Keep reading and I'll explain. This woman who's number I was given and her family suffered an unimaginable tragedy in 2007. 

She did not know me from ever before. Someone gave me her number the first week after I lost Angela. I was scared to call. I don't really like phones much. She invited me to coffee.  We met. We had coffee at this little waffle shop. That was around a month ago now, I think. I found so much comfort in her presence. There was not much said. We drank some coffee and talked, but not much. Sitting there was comfort. Less words said a lot actually.

I saw her the second time at a grief support group.

Well today I left my home. I went to a very important event of this dear new friend. Today was (4/16) the memorial run/walk for her son and all the students who lost their lives at the murder at Virginia Tech University.

She had told me PSU has a 5k every year in memory of her son (and all the 32) who were murdered at the Virginia Tech University on April 16, 2007. I tucked that into my head. I thought it is coming closer every day. When I woke up today I decided, I am going. 

After showering and readying myself. A real accomplishment these last few months. I drove onto campus astonished that I was doing this and looked and looked to find the parking lot. Found it!.... and sat there in my car feeling so overwhelmed at the thought of meeting all these people.  I could see the stand across the field and the canopy and just felt this nervousness in my chest. I knew her family was big and there would be relatives and her grown children there, who are now all off on their own now.

I felt a reverence over the event. Almost a holy respect. I stayed off to the side just observing as every one went off on the 5k run/walk. Most were running. As I stood there I asked a few people where this lady (my friend) might be, she was to be back shortly. I got to meet her husband. I cannot begin to express how much it touched my heart to listen to this man share. He openly shared about his loss, things he has experienced, and felt,  once he knew who I was and his wife had previously shared with him about meeting me and about my daughter. It was an instant connection like I had had with her when I met her! Warmth and understanding filled my heart as we talked. I mostly listened to him. I reveled in his words.  Later she walked up  and we embraced. Well just to sum this up, I went home feeling less alone in the world. The dear man really shared from his soul with me. He told me he could see sadness in my eyes before he was even introduced to me as he walked up through the grass....while I was talking to his wife's sister in law. 

My heart hurts for these people. Their one daughter (They have several children) was at the Boston Marathon the very day her brother was shot in VA. in 2007. Horrifying! Especially considering the terrorism bombings from yesterday in the same location. 

They had a beautiful candle vigil at the end. My friend asked me to read one of the cards. I said yes. I felt love. Like they took me under their wing and this was not about me obviously but I felt a part. All parents seem to have that instant understanding, who have lost a child. For the most part.

They had a moment of silence for the families and students of VA Tech and the Boston bombing yesterday and the Sandy Hook shootings. All the proceeds are going to Sandy Hook families. 

I was and am honored to have been there for and with this family. I stood there with my candle and thought of what her son must have been like. He was 27. He was a runner. A son and a friend. From all I have heard a wonderful loving young man. Their loss is an ache they feel every single day. Looking into their eyes I saw understanding and I cannot tell you how much it touched me tonight.

I am honored to have been there.