This grief walk.

I was thinking about all the losses recently I have been exposed to, brushed against. Been honored to be a part of some families who have lost their child or children. I am in awe at the  connection that occurs between two strangers who meet and have this commonality.

Today is my Angela's daughter's 26th birthday. Although she is not here to celebrate it. I have not felt all I will feel on this day. Last night at midnight though it hit me hard. I wept as I chatted with another mom who has lost her daughter. Some comfort was found in that sharing. A great amount actually. I cannot understand how this all happened or why. Yet I am thankful for meeting these ladies and under such agony and duress, it all is here in my life.

My life has changed drastically. It's like an earthquake inside my heart. Shaking the very foundations of everything within my soul. Will I stand? Will I come out on the other side? Is God going to carry me, walk beside me the whole way even to the portals of heaven? I do believe so. I believe with everything in me.

Yet let me grieve. Let me feel. Let me cocoon when I need to. It is all part of the grief process. Especially losing a child in the way of which we did. Many have been touched by this. Even people who do not know her. Who do not me except on the Face Book forum. People who I have become acquainted with through this. It is all part of a picture I do not understand. I have not reached a place of acceptance. Can I ever? I doubt it.

When you lose a child, the grief can be compared to the ocean. There's the waves, the tides, the soft waters. It all comes in emotional labor pains. Sometimes I'm caught in the rip tides. Sometimes I'm knocked over by a huge waves unaware it's coming. It's patient, grief will take you by the hand and walk with you as you're ready. Each and every step. People are the ones that have a hard time grasping this. Losing a child is different because you are losing a very 'part' of yourself. That hole can never be replaced or filled. God comforts but the ache is there. For me it is very very raw still. Today being her birthday I'm going to be. Yes, just be.